it’s not something i talk about a lot because i feel like people will think i’m rubbing it in their faces but other than moving my exercise dvds from the living room to the bedroom i have literally not done a single thing to lose weight since dylan was born and i was back to (actually, below…) my pre-pregnancy weight before we hit the two month mark. granted, i didn’t gain that much in the first place but still…
i know, right? and i’m not even one of those women who has an easy time losing weight. in fact, i’ve struggled with my size my whole life. the only time i ever felt comfortable in my skin was during pregnancy. i even felt sexy when i saw myself in the mirror.
as much as i admire and wish to be those women who are in great shape with totally flat tummies and perfectly sculpted thighs, i am just too lazy or unmotivated to do what it takes. i wish i could fit in a size 6 and wear the clothes that i want to wear, but as it is if i don’t roll up my cuffs i feel like skinny jeans make my legs look like ice cream cones…
why are we so hard on ourselves? it takes all shapes and sizes to be wonderful, and my figure has no bearing on my ability to parent my child. i am afraid to let my personal insecurities influence dylan, though. my mother never scolded or teased me about my weight growing up but i watched her struggle with her own (she still does, in fact) and i think it affected me in ways i’m only beginning to understand.
about a year ago, maybe two, i sort of gave up giving a shit about how big i was. i’m not obese. overweight, yes. i could probably stand to lose a few inches and in reality i’d be happier if my size tag in my jeans didn’t read in the double digits. i credit age with the realization that, shit, size just doesn’t matter that much.
so what i started to say before i got distracted by *issues* is i’m not into weight loss but i’m trying to eat better because normally i don’t eat at all – ain’t nobody got time for that! it’s hard to keep quick snacks and things in the fridge when you have a partner who eats everything (haha). he also doesn’t eat during the day and when he comes home, starving! snack time while he makes dinner. the goal is to convince (?) force (?) myself to eat better so i’m not so tired all the time. breastfeeding takes a lot out of you. even if i wanted to work out i wouldn’t be able to.
if it’s not precut and ready-to-eat (or pop it in the toaster for five minutes and done) i don’t want it. i pretty much lived off peanut butter and bread for about a week. i didn’t even toast it. just peanut butter on cold bread. i grabbed this wholesome goat spread by woolwich dairy at the store yesterday because i needed a change. i also love goat cheese (except on pizza). in the time it took me to get the dishes done and clean the kitchen this morning, breakfast was served.
and thank god too because i was starving. and who knows how long this little girl will sleep?