i really feel like I’m failing her.
it sounds ridiculous, when i say it out loud or put it in words. but that’s what it feels like.
when everyone else seems like they’re catching on, i feel like we are at the back of the pack.
we don’t do breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. we don’t do yoga or swimming classes. Our bedtime routine is non existent. flash cards? what flash cards? I haven’t made mom friends in the neighbourhood. hell, i don’t even know baby first aid.
i feel like i’m a bad mother.
this thing doesn’t really come naturally. and today, the media – both traditional and social – has a way of forcing us to turn a lens on our lives, of drawing comparisons between ourselves and the current “ideal” of parenthood. i still have to come to terms with the fact that this is a forever thing (you mean i’m *not* just babysitting?). how can i expect to feel “good enough” when there are so many women who seem like they have got it all together – they can juggle children and husbands and home businesses and still have time for coffee, exercise, eating right, taking daily photos, and looking good.
rationally, i think i know, or at least realize, this group of women is the minority. there are millions of moms like me who let their babes spend the day in pyjamas, because the effort to change them into something clean is too tiresome. but i can’t help but feel if maybe i were a little more like them, if i woke up at the same time every day or took a little more pride in my appearance… even if i were more creative and forced myself to find the time to do more for me… i would be a better mother, a better partner, a better role model. my expectations are insumountable.
they say, “you’re doing a great job.” she’s surviving, she’s thriving, and she is more than loved, she’s adored. but i still feel i’m falling short. “good enough” has never seemed so far away…