lying in bed last night, scrolling through the (near) 1000 photos in my photo stream i had a moment when i came across the the first few “pregnancy” photos we took. i’d really wanted to be more diligent in documenting this process but… at least we managed the one…
who can say where they will be 8 months from (then) now? a lot has happened since we took this photo, since we “found out” and decided that, even though we were virtually strangers, we were going to do whatever could, sacrifice whatever we had to, to bring this little person into the world.
i never considered the vast amounts of change we would face – yes, you expect your body to go through… things, but i was practically blind-sided by the emotional roller coaster (not always attributable to those famed pregnancy hormones), and this strange, pressing need to grow the hell up. it really is an obtuse, distant concept when you listen to (or try not to) parents talking about what it’s like to be parents. like a woman trying to figure out what it’s really like to be a man.
and now, here we are, on the verge of something miraculous, and i am distinctly aware of how distant i’ve become from that girl. somehow, somewhere along the line, i lost a little something. i’ll find myself wandering in and out of rooms or sitting in silence for moments at a time, wondering, a little confused. in the immortal words of john mayer, “something’s missing, and i don’t know what it is at all.”
maybe i’ll find it again the first time i see dylan. or maybe i’ll never find it, but that little piece will be replaced with something even better. it’s the not knowing that will kill you.