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touched out and retreating

mommy-and-me-mosaic“touched out”. i never knew this could be a thing until dylan came along and i started feeling claustrophobic, and then guilty. when i started feeling like oh my god just get off me already, and ashamed for wanting my child to be anywhere else, with anyone else.

when i get time to myself – which doesn’t happen often enough, even just sleeping in for an hour or being allowed to shower without her banging on the door and yelling, the simple ability to “check out” for a few moments – i get anxious. what’s she doing? how is she feeling? is she okay with out me there? because when we are together she is by my side, at my feet, clinging and clingy.  needy. i love her and that she needs me but sometimes i am overwhelmed by just how much she needs me.

my-little-napoleon

a week ago my cat went missing. he’s been with me since he was a month old, a tiny little punam covered in fleas and terrified. he took to hiding in the space behind the fridge, completely difficult to get at, which i guess should have been a sign. he’s a difficult cat, though i’m pretty sure he loves me and i love him. we travelled from bermuda together, have been to calgary. moved at least 5 times. he’s curious. he cost me over $3000 when we left him with my friend for a weekend getaway and he decided exploring the outside of the building was a good idea – he fell 7 stories to the side-walk and a stranger rushed him to an emergency vet. he was fine. he is fine. and i miss him. terribly. i’m having a hard time coping with the sadness of his absence.

dylan is teething – we’re getting at least 6 new teeth in right now, and they all take their sweet time. she’s also defiant. we have hit the terrible twos and we’ve still got 6 months to go! she also does not want to nap or sleep without nursing. during the night, if she rouses, she’s reaching for me, and she doesn’t want to let go, or she starts whining and screaming. it’s new behaviour and it’s stressful. she is eating more but all day long she pulls at me, sits me down, reaches into my shirt. in private, in public. there is no respite. how am i going to wean her when she is so attached?

and there are many other things going on in our life right now. all together, it’s too much. i’m overloaded. i’m touched out. i want to be alone so i can be sad and mourn the loss of a friendship, and one of the hardest lessons to learn has been that i’m not privy to that selfish luxury any more, to retreat from society for a while so i can feel my feelings in peace. there is no right and wrong way to grieve, though i fully believe you need to experience your range of emotions (within limits) in order to start healing and moving forward, and i feel like i’m being stunted.

of course, i should be comfortable enough to grieve in front of her. she is still young but she does need to learn that emotions are normal, to feel them and express them is normal. it’s hard to want to offer a life lesson when you’re overcome with emotion.

as i type, she is nursing in her sleep, one hand possessively attached to the other boob. she napped for a half hour on her own before she rolled over to me. one day i’ll miss this, i’ll look back and think, “what the hell was i thinking?” when she tries to get away from me. but right now i need the space, and i’m having a hard time coming to terms with the duality that is motherhood.

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  • ellen

    i still miss the hiccups.. tiny blurps alternating from the twins… even still 29 years later..

    there is no easy answer because as moms we are told feeling guilty is normal… and feeling tired is ongoing, so you can’t really distinguish where you start and end some days..

    8 months pregnant i sat at a restaurant, waiting to go to class( what was i thinking) after work.. two older ladies sat down near my table and i over heard one sigh…. oh so good to be able to eat a warm meal, it feel like forever since i have…
    two months later, and since… i understood what she meant… and altho she was happy when she exclaimed it.. she also looked sad… because you miss that feeling of being needed that only you can give…

    time heals things they say, but i think time just gives us reflection… hopefully they are happy reflections of these bonding days.. even tired as heck, mourning your old self, and the chance to do things random by choice….not just because they are random.. by child 🙂

    i hope nappy comes home , and Dylan finds new things to bond with you with… i know that will happen, and you will have many many stories of sharing together.. its a good thing to be a mom, from fur mom to baby mom it does not matter… the adventures will continue.. and keep you wondering whats next. xo

    August 14, 2015 at 1:09 am Reply

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