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the cauliflower gnocchi debacle

every day in this house is something new. or something old. like dylan not eating. we’re all used to that by now. a stubborn refusal to even so much as sniff the food on her plate before declaring, “don’t like it.”

how can you not like it? you haven’t even seen it yet.

if i were a hair puller, i’d be going damn near bald at this point. as louis c.k. put it, i have an obligation to feed her, so that she does not die. also i love her and i want to pump her full of energy and goodness. for the love of all that is good and holy i wish we could have one day where she would blissfully eat every meal i make. that would be the day… *stares wistfully off into the distance*

{forget the babble. take me to the recipe}


in my continued attempts to entice her into filling her belly with something that doesn’t sit comfortably in the sugar or potato sections of the food pyramid, i recently tried to make gnocchi. from scratch. but not potatoes – cauliflower. you know, that bumpy white veg that got people all up in arms when they thought they wouldn’t be able to get it anymore? aside: wasn’t there supposed to be some kind of avocado shortage?


in theory, cauliflower gnocchi makes a lot of sense. you seriously cut the carbs of the original potato version, and you sneak in a ton of vegetables without little people (or grown veggie hating people) noticing. in practice? actually, potato gnocchi is probably about as much of a bitch to make. especially if you aren’t armed with the right kitchen tool arsenal.

first and foremost, you’ll need a ricer. i *riced* boiling hot cauliflower by hand with my box grater. in hindsight, i could have just thrown the whole head in the food processor and it would have been the same result. touche intelligence, you’re really showing your true mettle.

secondly, you need something called a “gnocchi paddle” which i had previously never heard of nor encountered. i mean, if you’re a stickler for tradition and plan on making gnocchi often, this may be worth it. however… i don’t know about you but i can live without the “ridges to hold extra sauce.”


so, as you can see, from the get go this recipe was doomed to fail in my kitchen. whatever the f*ck kitchen confidante did i was completely incapable of replicating it. even my sauce came out more like a pre-chewed canadian kfc coleslaw than the creamy, lovely, delicious version she managed.

if you are daring enough to delve into this direction of sadness, do one thing for me – don’t try to make it if you’re the only one around to watch the toddler. you will end up with a second massive mess and no patience to clean up either. seriously, i turn my back for five minutes and i find her in the bedroom watching television with the aunt jemima syrup container in her mouth. vertical. we needed more syrup.


cauliflower gnocchi {kitchen confidante}

because i don’t want to be a super jerk by copying and pasting the recipe in it’s enterity here (which is exactly what i would do because i did nothing to make this my own) i’ll simply post the ingredients list and then make you do some of the work yourself by clicking this link HERE so you can head over to her site and get the right kind of advice and inspiration you need to perfect this.

1 head cauliflower, leaves discarded and broken down, about 1 1/4 lbs
5 large egg yolks
1 1/2 to 2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for kneading
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
pinch of nutmeg

as you can see by the list, it doesn’t take much to make these mini morsels… not many ingredients, just all of your soul. 

seriously, though, i plan on trying this again when i have an extra set of hands or eyes to keep watch over dylan. the texture was a little off but the those gnocchis had a will to survive and they managed to hold together through boiling / ice bath / sauteing process. they also didn’t taste at all of cauliflower, a fact i’m always impressed by.

the real tell though, to whether this recipe was a success – did dylan eat it?


no. she didn’t.

the struggle continues.


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