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pacified | i'm with dylan

things were going swimmingly and then all of a sudden…

just over three weeks ago we walked out of the hospital into the cold with our brand new bundle of “joy”. i employ the use of quotes because, as any new mother (and very few articles) will attest, i’ve really been put to the test these last few weeks.

on feb 19 at 8:38 am, minuscule dylan came kicking and screaming into the world at a healthy 6 lbs 3 oz. she’s the first newborn baby i’ve ever held (sometimes i think also the last, that is if this culture of not sleeping keeps up and i pull all my hair out). if i wasn’t completely doped up and numb from the epidural i might have enjoyed the moment a little more, however, as i was frozen from the waist down and i had my eyes closed for most of it, when i heard her crying, i followed suit.

i can honestly say that i was not and am not at all prepared for motherhood. three weeks in and i still don’t feel like “mom”. i catch a glimpse of myself or i look at the boy and think… holy shit, we’re parents now. is it like this for everyone?

nights have been the worst for me. the boy can sleep through everything but for me, sleep deprivation coupled with a crying baby leaves me feeling completely inadequate and frustrated – really just with myself for not being better. where did all this pressure come from? no one expects us (me) to be perfect at it, to get it right from jump. but that mashed up red little face, those tears… what can you do to get it to stop, if only because you can’t stand the thought of her in any kind of distress?

anyway. here we are, like zombies marching in and out of the day. in fact, i was about to have a nap about an hour ago. both of us were nodding off, her in my lap and me sitting up in bed, my head leaned back against the wall. for sanity and safety sake i went to put her in her bassinet (we’ve been co-sleeping but she’s so squirmy and strong now i’m afraid she’s going to fall and hurt herself or worse) and immediately the tears started and they haven’t stopped… so much for that… if you need me, i’ll be the human pacifier sat on the couch

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