you guys… sometimes all i want to eat is chocolate. chocolate and bacon cheese burgers. clearly neither of those things can be considered “good for me” and i’m totally fine with that. although i’m also not totally fine with putting back on the weight i lost since giving birth.
here’s the thing. i lost a surprising amount of weight after giving birth to dylan. i didn’t gain that much but i’ve always struggled to get below 145, and somehow, most likely attributed to breast feeding and other various stresses my body wasn’t fully used to, i managed to drop more weight than under normal circumstances. more weight than i’d been able to drop working out and eating well. i’m able to pull on and zip up jeans i haven’t fit into for 10 years (i know how sort of messed up it is to keep pants for that long… kind of an unhealthy connection with the past…)
for many reasons this became a cause of concern for myself and my doctor and we’ve been looking into it. so far, we can’t pin point anything serious. if that continues to be the case, who am i to look a gift horse in the mouth? and i have really, really, wanted to take advantage of this weight loss. i’ve always struggled to lose, have for so long had this seemingly unattainable image in my head and here we are now. almost where i want to be.
i’d love to be one of those green smoothie chugging joggers, so perfectly regimented and routined. it goes against my nature to organize myself though, or to even wake up and exercise. i brought out my beginner yoga dvd and put it next to the dvd player, that’s about as close as i’ve gotten to actually working out.
my diet is, for the most part, terrible. i know it looks like we eat great and i really try hard to make sure we’re getting enough well rounded meals in daily and weekly but coming up with meal ideas is tougher than it looks. and we’re not really left overs folks, unless we’re talking potato salad and mac and cheese. knowing how much i love full fat and cheese and burgers, etc, i’ve been trying to curb my affinity for the worst offenders, namely cookies, cake, and doughnuts. those cravings hit me the hardest. but i hate to feel like i’m depriving myself (because, yes, i will just cave i’m so weak!) so i decided to try and find comparable substitutions rather than cut chocolate (and doughnuts) out of my life forever.
the first time i tried black bean brownies was at elmwood spa in downtown toronto. they turned my whole mouth black and i was totally in love. i vowed i’d try making them myself. that was literally like six years ago, if not longer. it’s actually taken me that long to hunt down and try a black bean brownie recipe, i am that lazy.
but i’d be lying if i said this was the first one i tried. it’s not. the first batch happened a few months ago and the recipe called for oatmeal and some other stuff. the result was okay, not pretty, not perfect by any means, but passable. i’m much happier with this recipe i found on sugarfreemom.com. normally, i’d attribute the post to the original recipe author but seeing as i totally used brown sugar, real milk chocolate chips,and no coffee i decided we’d skip that step this one time. they’re still gluten and dairy free, though. click through for the original recipe, but my version follows below.
1 1/4 cups chocolate chips
1 (15.5 ounce) can black beans, rinsed and drained
1/4 cup cocoa powder, unsweetened
1/3 cup coconut oil, melted
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
2 tablespoons brown sugar (or to taste)
preheat oven to 350 degrees.
line a baking dish with parchment paper, and spray with nonstick cooking spray.
process all ingredients in a food processor until smooth. pour onto parchment paper in baking dish and smooth out batter to edges of dish. bake for 30-35 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean. NB: she says hers came out perfectly at 35 minutes and i’d have to agree with that. cool on wire wrack for 10 minutes then remove by holding edges of parchment paper and lifting out.